Copyright © 2017 by Jo Barlow
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18th July 2018
Today I didn’t wake up until 10.15, but I still felt shattered, had blurry eyes and no energy. After half an hour or so of laying in bed I finally got up, had a shower and made some breakfast (even if it was past 11 am!) I am sitting eating it and just feel awful. I feel blurry inside. Like I have not slept all night and have a hangover. (If I remember the feeling of a hangover correctly-
I try and continue with being vaguely productive, even if it’s just basic household tasks and making lunch, yet at about 2 pm I give up. I feel I’ve spent the whole day so far just trying to pull myself together and yet I need to sleep as I am not working correctly. I go to bed, put on my Vitali-
I wake an hour later and feel calmer inside. I still don’t want to move and so don’t for almost another hour. After a while I play some Sudoku games while still laying down to wake up my brain and end up staying upstairs until 5 pm!
Downstairs I try and sort some urgent paperwork out and look on my laptop for information I need, but the laptop not working properly, and neither is my brain, I cant work out how to sort it out. I can’t cope today and I just want to cry.
Dave cooks and I eat dinner gratefully – feeling totally bloody useless – I have slept most of the day and I still cannot function enough to cook! I feel a waste of space, both for my family and myself.
After dinner I decide to cut some of the bushes back in the garden. Dave asks me why and I tell him I need to do ‘something’ productive today, even if it’s just cutting plants.
I give myself a long soak in the bath afterwards and go to bed with my note book. I need to write. People look at me or read something I have written and assume all is OK. But it’s not. If I didn’t have the option to sleep in the day and have my meals cooked I don’t think I could cope.
My tumour is out, my scan was OK, I don’t have any ‘long term’ or ‘severe’ problems. It’s over 2 years ago and so society says I should have ‘healed’ and got over it by now. Yet some days are just really bloody hard. Trying to continue. Trying to forget how I feel, when I don’t feel ‘right’. Having a panic as I wobble. Trying to refocus. Trying not to wobble or drop things. Trying to remember the correct words. Trying not to break down in tears. Desperately wanting to go back to sleep. Struggling to coordinate my thoughts and actions. Wondering what I did wrong. Did I deserve this? Do I do things to make it worse? I don’t know.
But today is tough. Damn tough.