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Struggle, and ‘Which wolf will I feed’?

31st  July 2018   

I read this quote today and I am ‘struggling’ with it…

 “Don’t let your struggle become your reality”

Struggling with it!!!

Yes it very much feels life is a struggle at the moment. Not only with my after brain tumour symptoms, but my very much niggling (ache to sending sharp pains into my hips) backache, tiredness from waking up before 8 am (as we have builders refitting our kitchen and that’s when they arrive), finances, kids things…

I know regarding my tumour I have been feeling this for a while. I purposely stopped following several brain tumour groups as a few weeks ago I realised I needed to separate myself from them for a while, focus on me, focus on moving on. I am always going to be a brain tumour survivor, but I don’t want it to define me, there are other parts of me too, some of them feeling very much hidden right now.

For the previous twenty odd years my life focused on my kids. I haven’t had a ‘proper’ job since I was a teen, and although have been working part time self-employed with Dave I didn’t actually get paid as I helped him. The money he got just went into our household finances. It might sound odd to many but I actually found part of me again when I was forced to listen to my body after the brain surgery!

So although part of this time has been extremely healing and positive, but I don’t want it as my identity either. ‘The woman who had the brain tumour.’

I’d like it to be the artist – but I am very much accepting that I cannot do what I once did. It would be a struggle, yes. But maybe not much of a better identity- a struggling artist!

So I am pondering this in my head. Writing my thoughts down. Listening for answers. The thought I need to find ‘the opposite of struggle’ and have that as my identity.

This quote pops into my head…

… and once again I know I have to change the ‘wolf’ I listen to.

Instead of the struggle I need the positivity, the overcoming, the presence, the acceptance, the helping, the healing, the joy, the loving. I need to feed the positive side.