Copyright © 2017 by Jo Barlow
Money and Exhaustion
Today I spent the day crying…
The final straw that started it was a letter from Tax Credits saying they were reducing our money by £50p/w as we had underestimated our 2017 income by £1000. With that I cancelled my small monthly donation to Water Aid and my organic food order from Riverford, as I simply couldn’t afford to buy organic for a while. And then I cried.
We are down to the basics as it is. I don’t spend money on things that they even allow as expenses for working out your monthly budget when in debt!…
I don’t buy alcohol or junk food, don’t buy cigarettes or e-
But I can’t.
I can’t work, I can barely keep the house organised and Dave still cooks most of our dinners as half the time when I do I am crying from the fact I can no longer multitask, or that I am exhausted for doing so. I often still need to go to sleep or rest during the day, especially if I get up before 10 (and sometimes even if I get up after this!) … I cannot see an employer accepting this as an option?!
The last few weeks I have been trying to add my art work on my website, promote it and my book a little and try and be proactive in earning myself an income. But after a week or so of this I crashed. Yet at the thought of Dave even possibly having to get a ‘job’ (rather than be self-
Then a week or so ago my back went, I sneezed sitting down and it started seizing up. Just as I was looking at our finances-
But thinking about it now I was getting messages loud and clear to slow. The day my back went I managed to leave the kitchen hot plate on while boiling butter beans and went out! Dave called me half an hour later saying he walked into a kitchen full of smoke with a rather smelly black saucepan! I had totally forgotten to turn them off or turn them down and tell him to turn them off in a while. I managed to be distracted when I went out for Dave’s birthday, and all but drove off with the car door open and someone not even in the car… And I know the last couple of weeks I have been really struggling for words. I have constantly done things like calling the spaghetti bolognaise ‘Yorkshire pudding’ instead, and almost every appliance in the house the wrong name. (One day someone will put the dishes in the washing machine!) Forgotten things totally, said sentences completely wrong.
So after a late night on Friday-
But then the tax credits letter hit the kitchen table. I cried the lap of the park walking the dog and whilst that usually clears away my emotions I just couldn’t stop even when I got back in. How can I earn money if the minute I do anything more than ‘normal’ I just crash after-
I want to do something worthwhile for others, but it has to be when I am able to. I have to accept this as it cannot be another way.