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It’s All In My Head

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Blessings of a Brain Tumour.


18th December 2016.


“So for today's little rambling of the darkest days of the year...


Last night I was watching Dave play ... they were playing Freebird at the time... And suddenly I was sitting there (alone) singing along from what suddenly felt like the core of me and the emotions from the past year came up and I just continued singing the rest with tears of every emotion running down my face...


I had been to the local Buddhist temple earlier and they were talking about how peoples’ response can vary due to their life at the time... And how if you were driving and thanked someone they might not acknowledge you at that time due to circumstances that were nothing to do with you.


And suddenly the feelings of May came back... of knowing I had a fucking brain tumour... They were going to have to open MY head up soon ... There was a good chance I would need a blood transfusion... The chance of a stroke or something negative... The surgeon saying I might hate him after.... I might bleed to death... This might be it... Having felt dizzy (or as I remember the feeling of being drunk) for 4-5 months - solidly...not able to walk and touch one foot in front if the other...unable to turn my head without pain...exhausted from the fight or flight that hit me each time I wobbled (many times a day) and the pain of nightly headaches. I couldn't turn to look to cross roads ... Dave had to hold me each time ... Or even to walk ... Knowing that to live I had no choice but to have this op... To totally trust...

And I was being driven to hospital to go and get my increased headache checked - still not due the op for another 9 days (but what ended up being the day I went to hospital before op as they kept me in) ... And every single thing driving there was painful... Every red light... Every person crossing in front of us... Each person who pulled out...


And comparing it to going home after the op... I was leaving the hospital 48 hours after I came out of theatre (when I was told I would be there 5-9 days or possibly more... And I would not be able to leave earlier!) ... I hadn't needed a blood transfusion ... I was able to touch my feet together when I walked ... The neck pain had gone (although huge swelling and cut neck muscles replaced it) ... But I was alive!!!! And going home ... Going home to be able to cuddle my 'babies' (even if the youngest was 9) Tell them that it was going to be ok now... And not see the terrified look on their faces ... It didn't matter that I had 40 staples in my head... That I looked like I felt- and hadn't slept properly for weeks! ...

But this time even shitty parts of Tooting seemed amazing - like really seeing it for the first time as a tourist would ... Who cares if a car pulled out in front... Their day job might have been shit ... They can't help it they are stuck in the rat race... This thing most of us call life... They need the love and understanding - not me! We could just let them and their rushing or even aggressiveness go... I was going home and it didn't matter if it took 1.5 hours....

And so last night I experienced all these feelings -and more - in a few minutes... In one song ... watching couples hug and dance with each other...


And it reminded me just how blessed we all are to be alive...



 To listen to  a recording of Free Bird which Dave played after reading this- please click here  


Next- “I am still Jo”